Week 4 Storytelling - Hannah's Wrath
Image of a bloody knife. Image from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/164944405087963930/?autologin=true
It was a stormy and lonely Thursday evening at the diner, a man with great white hair and a face worn down by years walks in and sits at the counter. He wore a long grey coat over his wrangler jeans and button-up shirt. The waitress could tell he was troubled.
Man: "I'll take a coffee, please." His voice was so deep and robust it imitated the thunder from the storm outside.
Waitress: "Sure thing, hun, any dinner or slice of pie for you tonight?"
Man: "No thank you."
The waitress quickly brewed up a fresh batch of steaming hot coffee. The earthy aroma filled the diner.
Waitress: "Here you go hun. Sugar or creamer?"
Man: "Please."
The waitress grabbed a couple packets of each and placed them by the man's cup. He slowly added them to his drink while he waited for the coffee to cool.
Waitress: "So what brings you in, passing through town?"
Man: "No, I live on the other side of town, I just needed to get away from home."
Waitress: "Trouble in paradise?"
Man: "Yeah, that seems to be the trend with me lately."
Waitress: "Well if you wanna talk about it I'm all ears."
The man took a deep breathe and let out a long sigh. Then after a sip of his coffee, he began to unleash the troubles weighing him down onto the waitress.
Man: "I became the CEO of a very large company about this time 10 years ago, I enjoyed the money and power that came with my position and began to allow my more primitive desires to overpower the love I had for my wife, Hannah. Eventually, my infidelity was exposed and my life has been in turmoil since."
Waitress: "I hear the same story all the time, I'm sure it'll all blow ever soon hun."
Man: "No, you don't understand. Let me explain. Six months after my promotion I began to see my secretary. An incredibly beautiful woman who's captivating eyes could seduce even the strongest willed man. One unfaithful night Hannah came to the office and saw me in the arms of my lover. Enraged, Hannah grabbed a pen that was laying on my desk and plunged it into my lover's left eye. She survived and now, with her limited eyesight and powers of seduction gone, works at a restaurant where she wastes her days washing dishes and cleaning tables.
Waitress: "Oh my Lord, she's crazy! Have you filed for divorce?"
Man: "No, that is not an option for me. I have tried, but Hannah loves the money I make more than she is disgusted by me. After the incident, I apologized and swore to never let that happen again. But two years after that I laid eyes on another beautiful woman. She had long hair wavy hair that smelled of fragrant roses. She worked at the dry cleaners where I would take my suits and shortly after I began to take her on dates. Hannah, paying attention to my bank statements, became suspicious, and one night caught me at the hotel with my lover. With superhuman strength, she grabbed my lover by her long locks and attempted to pull her off me. Instead, she pulled too hard and tore the scalp from her head. Now, she works at a grocery store and wears a hat wherever she goes to cover the scars that were left behind.
Waitress: "The poor girl I can't begin to imagine the pain she's going through."
Man: "The most recent incident was this week. About four months ago I heard the melodic voice of the most beautiful women while she was singing at a local bar. I won her over with expensive gifts and we began to see each other at her apartment downtown. After several nights Hannah, now a veteran at seeing through my lies could tell what I was up to. One weekend night, on our way back to her home from dinner we ran into Hannah. I tried to protect my lover from Hannah's wrath but she knocked me back and with a single slash of her pocket knife, she cut my lover's tongue right out of her mouth. She is now in rehab, learning sign language.
Waitress: "That's horrible! I guess you were right, I've never heard such a crazy story. If things keep getting worse then why do you keep cheating on your wife?"
Man: "Because now I'm just lonely."
Authors note:
This story is influenced by the unfaithful relationship shared by Jupiter (Zeus) and Juno (Hera) in Ovid's The Metamorphoses. In The Metamorphoses, Jupiter is continuously unfaithful towards Hera. Instead of Hera leaving, she often unleashes her anger on the poor nymphs and does something horrible to them. This story takes that relationship and puts it in a less dramatic and more modern time.
Story: The Metamorphoses by Ovid. Translated by A. S. Kline
Hi Jose! This is great writing in my opinion, nicely done. When you describe the man as having "a face worn down by years" I could totally picture what you meant. Great descriptions throughout!! I was really entertained by the increasingly crazy tales that the man had!
ReplyDeleteI wonder how the man met his wife to begin with. Not that it really matters in the story, but they're definitely interesting people and it could be a cool addition if you revised this story later.
Maybe next time you could give more info on the waitress or the man. But honestly the way you jumped right in worked well. Your ending sentence was sharp and helped me feel sympathetic towards the man.
Great job! You're an awesome writer and this was seriously fun to read.
Also, I thought basing it on those myths about Jupiter and Juno was a great way of reframing a classical story. It makes me want to read more about that myth and how Juno/Hera reacted with her anger. Again, excellent job! Can't wait to read more of your stories.
ReplyDeleteHi Jose,
ReplyDeleteThis was a really interesting story! I found myself reading slowly to make sure I didn't miss out on any details. In particular, I like the way you made it a dialogue driven story. I think that helped keep up the suspense throughout the story.
I wonder why the man felt like he was lonely at the end? If Hannah is still his wife and lives with him it doesn't make sense for him to be lonely. Also, did authorities try to arrest Hannah for all of these crimes? Surely at least one of these victims would want to press charges on Hannah and send her to jail.
There is something that I'm curious about. What if the story was told from Hannah's point of view? I think that would also be really interesting to see how she justifies taking those actions in her mind. Again, thanks for the story.
The beginning of the story was truly suspenseful and awesome to read! The way you made the setting dark and gloomy set the mood for the story to really get rolling. The part that really got me going and extremely interested was the man's quote he had when asked why he was at the restaurant. It is a little suspicious for me at why you would go across town and that suspicion was with good intent.
ReplyDeleteThere was one part of the story that I did have a question about. It seemed to end very abruptly and I was interested in the more that could come out of it. I was expecting more details and storyline after the line, but it was a bit confusing that it just ended with the quote by the man. There was context before that quote but it seemed there was a way to continue the story with more details.
What if the man would have done something else. There could be more to that story, but I really enjoyed the story apart from the abrupt ending.
Hi Jose!
ReplyDeleteI really liked change in setting for the story! I thought a diner was a great place for an exchange like this to take place. It gave me Twin Peaks vibes for some reason. I also liked how you just jumped into it, it definitely worked for this story.
I also liked the sudden ending, but I think the one question left unanswered for me was about his wife Hannah. I think I needed more justification as to why he was still with her after these things kept occurring. Maybe even if you just added another question/answer between him and the waitress at some point explaining this, it'd help settle that for me!
Overall, I thought this was a ton of fun to read. I think you did a great job of capturing the essence of the story while translating it to this new setting and characters. I also thought you did a great job with the waitress's dialogue in particular, she felt very real and it helped immerse me in the story. I think if you added some of the same casual language that she uses into the man's dialogue as well it'd feel even more realistic, but also keeping him separate from her through his language choices is also interesting, so just depends on how you're wanting to portray that character!
Hi Jose!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job of building suspense throughout the story in my opinion. I half expected Hannah to come murder the waitress at the end for talking to her husband. Your descriptions of the diner setting at the beginning made it very clear that something bad was coming. The details you gave about how Hannah dealt with each woman were very powerful as well.
I was kind of unsure why Hannah was so violent in the story. I understood she liked her husband’s power and wealth but it seemed like there would need to be a larger reason for her to act out so angrily against the women. Does she actually love her husband and that is why she is violent?
If you wanted to develop the character of Hannah more fully so she seems a little more balanced, it might help to have the waitress play devil’s advocate and ask the husband more difficult questions rather than have her be overly sympathetic as she is in the story right now.
Hi Jose!
ReplyDeleteYour story definitely kept me on the edge of my seat. I really liked the style in which you wrote this story. I appreciated the dialogue from each of the characters. I think your use of dialogue allowed for the story to be more engaging, compared to if it had been told from a narrator. I wonder what has caused the wife to behave in this manor. Why is she so violent and possessive? Did something happen to her in a past relationship. Even though it is not necessary for this sorry, I think that it would have been interesting and insightful to know a little bit about the wife's past. Last but not least, what if the waitress and man got closer. For a possible sequel, it would be interesting if the wife now saw the waitress as a threat and decided to go after her. But because the waitress knows about the crazy wife, we should face a different ended then the other mistresses?
Overall, I enjoyed reading your story!
Hey Jose!
ReplyDeleteYou've done a fabulous job constructing this story. Your use of dialogue is fantastic! I like that you've chosen to tell this man's story through a conversation with a waitress against the backdrop of a diner, which has a certain air of both comfort and grunge to it. It's also intriguing how this story feels like it could be an actual account except for Hannah's punishments. The juxtaposition between the realist set-up and the eclecticity of stabbing someone's eye or cutting out someone's tongue merges the worlds of realistic fiction and fantasy very well. I wonder how the waitress would react to the man's final statement about loneliness? Although it makes for a concise ending, I'd be interested to see what happens next!
A few suggestions:
Make sure to proofread for grammatical errors - there were several sentences that lacked commas and became run-ons as a result. Also make sure to keep your tense consistent - in the first paragraph you jump from present to past, which makes it difficult for the reader to establish a concrete understanding of where and when events are taking place.